Hate evil and love what is good;
    turn your courts into true halls of justice.
Perhaps even yet the Lord God of Heaven’s Armies
    will have mercy on the remnant of his people.

-Amos 5:15, NLT

Divorce Minister: Taking Adultery Seriously is an online community where I do not blame the victims of adultery.

Too often, I remember those offering to “help” from an allegedly “Christian” perspective where focused on some sort of blaming the victim. Not all did this…

…but too many do.

They couched such blaming in terms of “owning your part” and working on “forgiveness.“

To be supported, I felt like I had to demonstrate that I had done “my part” to forgive my ex. I was judged in this first before “support” was offered. They wanted to know I was handling this “correctly.” This was especially true as it came to my former denomination.

Missing in all of this “Christian” response were the calls to repentance for my cheating ex-wife. They seemed disinterested in holding her accountable for abusing me and defying God.

To be clear, I am not opposed to learning from our sins and mistakes.

Personal responsibility is important in my book. However, I have a serious problem with people blaming faithful spouses for sins committed against them. Plus, support should come without the strings of this work attached.

I am a supporter of seeking to engage in the forgiveness process.

However, I am not a supporter of a “cheap grace” sort of forgiveness where repentance from the Cheater is completely divorced from the forgiveness process (see Luke 17:3). Instead of asking the faithful spouse about their forgiveness of the Cheater, they should more properly ask if the Cheater has repented. That is the only situation where discussions of our forgiveness should start per Jesus (see Luke 17:3).

Christian communities ought to be places where evil–including adultery–is hated.

Faithful spouses ought never to question whether accepting blame for being victimized is the price they must pay for support from their Christian brothers and sisters.

Divorce Minister will not make that a price for admission and support here. We do not shame or blame the victims of adultery here.

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*A version of this post ran previously. Sadly, some Christian communities continue to foist this hellish price on faithful spouses for them to get support. This online ministry is not one, though.