Learning to Live Again in a New World
I recently asked Marlene Anderson to tell us about her new book, Learning to Live Again in a New World: A Journey from Loss to New Life, that touches on an issue apropos to many who are going through divorce. Marlene is a licensed therapist, author, and speaker. Her website notes, “She is passionate about sharing God’s great love and transforming power and helping every woman discover her potential—Marlene encourages and motivates others who are going through tough times.” Here’s our conversation.
Linda
Marlene, you went through a devastating loss when your husband died. Many of us who have been through divorce have experienced profound loss too. Can you speak to the universality of loss?
Marlene
Thanks, Linda. Yes, we often think of losses as something we quickly address and then move on with life as usual. But the more significant the loss, the more the impact it has on every area of our life: social, financial, personal, family, friendships, and our past as well as our future. There are many layers connected to our losses that require time to process adequately.
A significant loss can trigger old losses from our childhood, and we feel those emotions all over again. Relationships within social circles begin to change. Conflicts with family or others may require intercession as we come to terms with difficult situations surrounding our loss.
Linda
You mention social circles changing. I know this is common after a divorce. That was true for me, as I had recently moved. I needed new single friends, but more basic than that, I needed to answer many questions about what my life would ultimately look like. It took a lot of effort to define and shape my new reality.
Marlene
With all endings, a transition is needed to leave one reality behind as we move to a new beginning. As we pick up the pieces of our life, questions bombard us about how and where to go from here. “What do I do now,” and “Will I ever be happy again?” We can experience a multitude of emotions and conflicting thoughts: shock, anger, fear, anxiety, relief, shame, guilt, etc. In that process, reflection is required, goals need redefining, and we need to answer the question, who am I now? I knew who I was yesterday, but who am I today?
Linda
I remember wishing I could speed up the process of divorce recovery. Can you speak to that?
Divorce is a significant loss – it is a death of a marriage
Marlene
Divorce is a significant loss – it is a death of a marriage that was important. It takes time to process any loss and it is important to grant ourselves that time. We can use that time more effectively when we come to terms with the unpleasant things associated with it. That can be more difficult because after a certain length of time, friends and family assume we have healed. They resume their lives, and we find ourselves alone, struggling to put the pieces back together. We begin to lose confidence and doubt ourselves and our abilities to make a new positive start. Age and circumstances can require a greater effort in restructuring our lives. Trying to find a “new” normal takes time and we might hurry through some important decision considerations.
Linda
During my divorce recovery, I had the opportunity to learn from other newly divorced singles about their recovery process. It seems that some people hide away and don’t want to talk about what they’re going through. I’m rather embarrassed to admit that I couldn’t stop talking about it!
You are in uncharted territory
Marlene
Feedback from supportive friends and licensed professionals is important. We need validation for the turmoil of thoughts and emotions we experience. We need to find ways to get conflicting thoughts out of our heads so we can work more constructively with them. You are in uncharted territory. You have never been here before. Support is critical and sharing with others in a safe group, can be healing. In my book, I offer additional information about working through the more complex emotions of anger, shame and guilt in Appendix A of my book.
Linda
You’ve obviously thought a lot about how to recover from loss and grief.
Marlene
You're right, I have. Grieving a loss is more than just acceptance and letting go. It is about building a new reality within all areas of our life. We need information that can both help us understand and work with what we are experiencing, and the tools to create a new satisfying and meaningful beginning. Moving through that transition from ending to new life requires careful thought and personal clarification.
As I moved from personal grieving after the death of my husband to acquiring more knowledge about grief and loss through continuing education courses, I began working with clients, individually and in group sessions. I soon realized that people wanted and needed more than just talking about their sorrow. And while there were many books available that spoke to those early days of sorrow, it seemed little information was offered to help grievers create a new road map moving forward. I began creating worksheets that addressed some of those conflicts and concerns. And this became the genesis for my current book.
More about Marlene’s book:
Learning to Live Again in a New World: A Journey from Loss to New Life is divided into four parts. Part one addresses those early days of loss and part two speaks to letting go, putting your loss to rest. Part three looks at going through that transitional period between what you are leaving behind and how to begin again. Part four helps you assess obstacles, think through options and put together a new plan for your life. The two appendixes offer additional information on working through difficult grief emotions and offering and receiving support. There is a study guide at the end of the book that can be used in group settings, and it comes in hard or soft copy, e-book and audio book. The following link will take you to her book release page on Amazon.
I appreciate Marlene spending the time to talk a little about grief and why it's important to address the issue when it occurs in our own lives.
Blessings,
Blog Author
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
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Recommended Reading
Instone-Brewer, David. Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities,
Divorce and Remarriage | Andrew Farley
Is Divorce the unforgivable sin? | Andrew Farley
Quoting and Linking
Unless otherwise noted, all contents © 2017 Linda M. Kurth. If you quote this blog, please cite and provide a link back. Thank you.
If you're interested in sharing your story of divorce and the response of other Christians, email Linda at Linda@LindaMKurth.com for guidelines.
