Toxic family members: Two ways to deal with the situation

As a Christian, you may find yourself facing a challenging scenario - toxic family members. These are individuals whose words and actions appear to undermine the very essence of family bonds. As a Christian, you may face a dilemma:

Do you cling to these relationships, hoping for change? Or do you contemplate the difficult decision of letting go?

The struggle is real, and you are not alone in this wrestle between holding on and letting go.

This article aims to provide you with guidance rooted in the teachings of the Bible, offering two distinct ways to navigate the complexities of dealing with toxic family members. Whether to persevere in the hope of transformation or to release yourself from the toxic grip, each path is illuminated with biblical wisdom to guide you on your journey of faith and family.

Keeping the ties

As a Christian, keeping ties with a toxic family can be seen as the best-case scenario, drawing inspiration from the biblical story of Joseph and his brothers. In Genesis 37-50, Joseph faced betrayal and mistreatment from his siblings. However, through divine intervention and Joseph's forgiveness, the family was ultimately reconciled.

That being said, here are ways to keep ties with your toxic family members and help them change while protecting your well-being.

Assess the toxicity of your family members

Evaluate if their actions are merely bothersome or thoughtless. Consider whether their behavior demands serious attention or if it is something that patience and understanding can help improve over time. Reflect on whether their actions are intentional or a result of lack of awareness. Also, try to understand how they perceive the idea of change, as it plays a crucial role in determining the path forward.

Be accountable for your wrongdoing

To keep ties with toxic family members and help them change, start by being accountable for your wrongdoing. The Bible teaches that acknowledging and confessing your faults is essential in fostering a spirit of humility and openness. In Matthew 7:3-5, Jesus emphasizes the importance of first addressing the plank in your eye before attempting to remove the speck from your brother's eye. This highlights the need for self-reflection and accountability as a foundational step in seeking positive change within your family relationships.

Set boundaries to protect your well-being

Set boundaries to protect your well-being while maintaining ties with toxic family members. In Ephesians 4:26-27, the Bible encourages you not to let the sun go down on your anger and to avoid giving the devil a foothold. This underscores the importance of setting healthy limits to prevent negative influences from taking hold in your relationships. Setting boundaries is not an act of hostility but a measure to protect both yourself and the potential for positive change within your family dynamics.

Forgive them, but correct when needed

Practice forgiveness while making them aware of their faults when appropriate. In Colossians 3:13, the Bible instructs you to bear with each other and forgive one another, just as the Lord forgave you. However, Matthew 18:15 teaches that if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. Combining forgiveness with gentle awareness fosters a constructive environment for change.

Control your behavior towards them

Control your behavior, ensuring you do not adopt toxic traits. Romans 12:17 advises you not to repay evil for evil but to do what is honorable in the sight of all. Mindfulness of your actions and responses is crucial for maintaining a positive influence within the relationship. By exemplifying Christ-like behavior, you contribute to the possibility of transformation in your family dynamics.

Pray

In 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, the Bible encourages you to rejoice always, pray without ceasing, and give thanks in all circumstances. Lift your family members in prayer, asking for their transformation and the strength to endure the challenges. Seek patience and understanding through prayer, trusting that God's guidance will prevail in your efforts to positively impact your family relationships.

Cutting ties

It is not Unchristian to cut ties with toxic family members. In Mark 3:31-35, Jesus emphasizes that those doing the will of God are considered family to Him, highlighting that family is not defined by blood but by a shared commitment to God's will. Jesus' earthly family had no special claim on Him, indicating that our biological family should not have an undue claim on us. Mistreatment or abuse from family members should not be tolerated, as the Bible does not instruct us to endure such behavior, even from those related to us.

Cutting ties with toxic family members, in this context, is not viewed as unchristian but rather as a measure of self-preservation following biblical teachings.

That being said, if you want to cut ties with toxic family members, here is how you should go about it.

Acknowledge their toxicity

Firstly, acknowledge the toxicity and harm inflicted by your family members. It is essential not to gaslight yourself or shoulder blame for their actions. By recognizing their negative impact, you empower yourself to make decisions based on reality. Romans 12:9 reminds us to abhor what is evil and hold fast to what is good, emphasizing the importance of acknowledging harm without self-blame.

Let go of the hope that you can help change them

Accepting the limitations of your influence is crucial in this process. In Matthew 7:6, Jesus advises not to cast pearls before swine, highlighting the futility of investing effort where it may not yield positive results. Releasing the hope of changing them does not mean abandoning compassion but rather acknowledging the boundaries of your impact.

Grieve the loss of a relationship

Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship. Cutting ties is a significant decision, and it is okay to feel sadness and loss. Grieving is a natural part of the letting-go process, allowing you to process the emotions associated with the decision.

Set boundaries

As you decide to cut ties with toxic family members, it is important to set boundaries to protect yourself. This includes distancing yourself by changing your contact details or removing them from your social media. Creating a clean break with little or no strings attached helps in maintaining the distance necessary for your well-being.

Practice self-care

Alongside setting boundaries, prioritize self-care. Taking care of your mental, emotional, and physical well-being is crucial during this process. In 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, the Bible reminds you that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, and self-care is a responsible way of honoring this temple. Engage in activities that bring you peace and joy, and allow yourself the time and space needed to heal from the impact of toxic relationships.

Seek help

Seek help from wise counsel within your church community and consider consulting with a professional. Church leaders and mental health professionals can provide guidance, support, and practical strategies as you navigate the challenges of cutting ties with toxic family members. Seeking help is a strength that can aid you in making informed decisions and facilitate healing in the process.

Make the choice

While it may seem easier to let your toxic family members be, as a Christian, you are urged to make one of two choices, both rooted in biblical teachings. The Bible emphasizes the importance of forgiveness, patience, and the pursuit of peace. 

In Romans 12:18, you are encouraged to live peaceably with all. Therefore, you can choose to extend forgiveness and patience, seeking reconciliation while maintaining healthy boundaries. 

On the other hand, the Bible also acknowledges the need for self-care and protection. In Matthew 10:14, Jesus advises you to shake off the dust from your feet if a house or town proves unworthy. If the toxicity poses harm to your well-being, choosing to distance yourself may be a necessary step, aligning with the biblical principles of self-preservation and seeking peace. 

In the end, your decision should reflect the values and teachings found in the Bible, guiding your actions with wisdom and compassion.

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